Home > Fatness & Nutrition, The Fast > Fast Times at South Pole North

Fast Times at South Pole North

NORTHERN NEW ENGLAND. February 25, 2010. Lucifer (I-Hell), seen here settling into his new home, makes bold pronouncement of more rain/snow/ice/comets to come for the foreseeable future (Photo by ECM)

Or North Pole South, if you prefer.

Yes, that’s right, I spent most of the day, again, shoveling snow in an effort at which even Sisyphus would balk: I’d clear the walk. It’d snow over. Or freeze. Or snow over and freeze. And the driveway? Have you read the Divine Comedy? The canto where Satan is encased in a titanic block of ice? Yeah, I walked out the door today and he waved at me. (The real Satan, not that fucjoker who plowed in my driveway–again–as I attempted, in vein, to recover from yesterday’s antics.)

So it’s not bad enough that I’ve moved more snow than Colombia during an Amy Winehouse tour. No, what makes it worse is that our esteemed weather forecasters can’t predict what the situation might be like a mere 12 hours into the future. (And don’t get me started on climatologists: those guys must get paid by the doomsday scenario–the next one will probably involve humanity being cast into volcanoes by alien invaders bent on stifling our potential and if we only cut back on our negative thoughts, we can reach enlightenment…no, wait…that’s Scientology.)

Anyway, these guys stated, yesterday evening that “blahblahblah cold front coming in from the NEESWUpEW bringing with it hot air (this irony, of course, escapes
all of them) and we’re going to see a bunch of triangles locked in mortal combat with some half-circles over a curved, red, line which means it’ll be sorta nice tomorrow.” Basically. Only the nut of it is, it wasn’t nice! It was Hell on earth! Snow, then rain followed by freezing rain, sleet, hail, meteor strikes and half a dozen other, atmospheric, events. (And I’m not talking about the creepy music from The Exorcist.)

Now all of that sucks and leaves me a might grumpy1, but what makes it much worse is that when you don’t eat for 3+ days, you wind up like a strung-out, fried, irritable, anti-social, loser like, say, Amy Winehouse. And if the only bone you have to cling to is that the weather won’t be as confused as Lady Gaga on a Sit ‘n Spin when you have to engage in two days of prison-style (I’ve seen Oz, I know how that works) labor in the acid mines driveway, you damn well better at least get an accurate weather forecast so you don’t walk out your front door expecting relative normalcy and, instead, are greeted by Lucifer, Son of Morning, who’s moved his base of operations to Northern NE during the night.

And, yes, I’m hungry!

1 ‘Grumpy’ like Al Franken is ‘passionate’.

  1. katex
    02/26/2010 at 19:26

    laughter (selleck) through tears (sandwiches) http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/
    ps: you may regret the fact that I have commentary rights

  2. ECM
    02/26/2010 at 20:19

    You only have power with which I grant you! Any more delicious whale ‘blubber’ shows up in my inbox and there will be repercussions of a most dire nature! (And next to ‘the Whale’, Tom Selleck (and his panoply of surely delicious flying sandwiches) can do little to dent my will! (Well, maybe my will to live…but not so much my will vis-a-vis caloric intake.)

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: