Home > Video Games > Azeroth Overthrown by Dark Lord Kotick: Players Line Up To Sell Souls

Azeroth Overthrown by Dark Lord Kotick: Players Line Up To Sell Souls

only $25!
Be one of the first ~52,000 players to own one for ‘only’ $25

Don’t act surprised–it isn’t like we weren’t going to get more of this, even from pure-as-the-driven-snow, err, Blizzard:

Freshly born from the Twisting Nether, the Celestial Steed flying mount lets you travel in style astride wings of pure elemental stardust. So saddle up, because this supernatural warhorse will fly as fast as your riding skill will take you, and it will travel at 310% speed if you have at least one other 310% mount. Once activated, this World of Warcraft in-game mount key applies to all present and future characters on a single North American World of Warcraft license.

Now let me be clear: I do not like DLC, but I understand the corporate urge to maximize profits (it is what they do, after all), so you knew (more of) this was coming.

No, my far more prosaic concern follows along what King Kotick managed to do to the Guitar Hero franchise in just a few scant years and how that could be repeated with World of Warcraft and Call of Duty, two franchises that are poised for pimping on Sunset Boulevard now that Guitar Hero is all used up:

Fade in to dingy night club, Guitar Hero stands at bar, Kotick approaches from the rear:

Guitar Hero (w/ mischief in eyes): hey sailor, buy an anthropomized video game a drink?

Kotick (knowing fresh meat when he sees it): sure thing baby—bar keep, get the peripheral a drink and make it a double.

Guitar Hero: I have to go powder my nose, be right back.

*As GH heads for the ladies room, Kotick rummages through his pockets and pulls out a small envelope, dumping its powdery contents into GH’s drink, a lascivious grin creasing his paunchy face*

Guitar Hero: I’m back, baby, miss me while I was gone?

Kotick: you know it, sweets—hey, drink up.

Guitar Hero: don’t mind if I do *taking a deep draught of the laced elixir* So, what do you do?

Kotick: oh, I own my own company—maybe you’ve heard of it *flashes gold-plated Activision biz card*

Guitar Hero: wow! The Activision? Did I tell you I’m a video game? *bats fret buttons at Kotick*

Kotick: yeah, I got that impression…so what do you say we go back to my place and play some games? I think you got what it takes to make it big in this business.

Guitar Hero: *placing hand on Kotick’s thigh* Ooh, baby, you know it–just let me finish my drink and we can get out of here. *pauses to finish drink then suddenly puts hand to forehead* Ooooooh, I don’t feel so well…I think I might have had a bit too much, *giggle*.

Kotick: *flashing wolfish grin* It’s OK, sweetie, I’ll make sure you get where you need to go.

Flash-forward three years:

Guitar Hero: you said you loved me! *throws vase at Kotick*

Kotick: you’re old news, toots, you had your time, now it’s her turn *glances over at a clearly uncomfortable World of Warcraft*

Guitar Hero: why won’t you love me! *rips tops exposing breasts* Why?!

Kotick: I got what I needed from you, you f*cking whore, and now that you can’t deliver anymore *grabs GH by hair and flings her towards the door* get the fuck outta my house!

So, basically, what I’m saying is that whore, Guitar Hero, got what she deserved.

But, in addition to that, I’m saying that Activision doesn’t really understand boundaries and how much the market is willing to bear before it finally says “god dammit enough—get your f*cking hands off my tits you creepy perv” as another franchise falls to Kotick’s (money) groping, maladroit, mitts, i.e. milk the cow too hard and, not only will you only get strawberry milk (see: Guitar Hero), but you could kill the goose that laid the golden egg (see: WoW).1

H/T: VGChartz


1 Yeah, it’s a mixed metaphor—what are you gonna do about it! *Grabs reader by hair and throws him out the door.*

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  1. 04/16/2010 at 03:10

    “Ya gotta study hard Hershel. We want you do be a Lawyah, Doctah, or maybe the guy who invents a blue hoarse.”

  1. 04/15/2010 at 22:06
  2. 04/17/2010 at 01:06

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