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Kids These Days

Weapon of mass defecation

What will they think of next:

His lawyer calls it a foolish prank, but a judge isn’t laughing.

A 17-year-old high school student from Haddon Township admitted in family court Thursday that he defecated in a classmate’s soda during an auto-shop class.

Prosecutors dropped an aggravated assault charge in exchange for the boy’s guilty plea to a charge of tampering with a food product.

Authorities say the victim sipped the soda, then spit it out as his classmates laughed on March 29.

A judge ordered the boy to serve probation, serve 200 hours of community service, write a letter to the victim to apologize — and to write a 1,000-word report on why it’s unhealthy to ingest fecal matter.

I’ll tell ya what: if this kid had sh*t in my drink, in shop class, he’d have to write an essay on why it’s unhealthy to defecate in a soft drink while surrounded by readily-available power tools with only the use of his chin to type. (If the lack of blood from impromptu surgery didn’t put a permanent end to his writing days.)

Can anyone else, that grew up in a time before this seemed like a reasonable option1, tell me, with a straight face, that something hasn’t gone horrifically-awry in the American psyche? Anyone? Dahmer?

1 Forgetting everything else, can you even imagine the logistical issues involved in pulling this off without getting caught? The Allies had an easier time shutting down Hitler than the supply chain issues involved in this little stunt, from finding a quiet corner to drop some bombs, to hitting the target, to delivering the payload and all without any gas attacks or sentries cracking up? Eisenhower would be impressed, shortly before sentencing little proto-Dahmer to break rocks at Leavenworth for the rest of his productive days.

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